Wednesday, 02 May 2012
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Insecurities
I've always been a very insecure person, especially where guys are concerned. I could probably take this back to when my biological father walked out when I was seven and I blamed myself, asked what I had done to make him leave, why he didn't love me anymore, etc. I hate blaming him for all of my fucked up emotional problems and I hated that my parents blamed him, too, but I can't help but think that's where all of it started.
Even in elementary school, I had very low self-esteem. Kids that young are just supposed to be happy-go-lucky. They make friends, laugh loud, play hard. I never had a whole lot of friends. By the time I was ten, the school I went to put me in classes for self-esteem development. It was obviously supposed to help me develop higher self-esteem and self-worth. I never felt like I was worth much to anyone, so why should I be worth something to myself. At ten, I already knew that people were disposable and easily replaced. No matter how many times a week they put me in those classes, I never really progressed.
Once I was in middle school, that's when I started having boyfriends for the first time. I liked the attention they gave me and, to have a guy like me, made me feel pretty. That was the only way I ever felt better about myself. Of course, it started out very innocently. Middle school was sixth through eighth grade. My first kiss was in sixth. My first make-out session was in seventh. By the time I was in eighth grade, I had pretty much discovered my sexuality. I knew what I wanted. I knew what guys wanted. If guys were the key to making me feel better about myself, who was I to stand in the way?
I went through a lot of guys that year. Yeah, I had a serious boyfriend, but he went to a different school. He wasn't around all the time. So, there were other guys. Never anything serious. I'd mess around with this guy one night and then the next night it was someone different.
It was the same year that I had put myself in a "questionable" position and was pulled out of school for it.
All of those events led me to lose my virginity to a guy I can barely remember. I remember his first name. I don't think I ever knew his last. I remember what he was wearing, but I can't remember what he looks like. The worst part is I had only known this guy for about ten minutes before I invited him to my bedroom.
It wasn't how I thought it'd be and it wasn't how I wanted it to be, but that was the choice I made. I didn't lose it to a boyfriend, someone (at the time) I thought I was in love with. It was a stranger that I gave what I can't get back. He was the one that set the bar and the divide between sex and love for me. I was thirteen years old.
From that point on, the two were completely separate. By the time I was back in school, I was a year behind. Eighth grade all over again. I made new friends, better friends, but old habits die hard and some don't die at all. I cut down the messing around with a bunch of people and I didn't have sex again until high school, but I still craved the attention and affection of a guy. I needed it to be happy.
The summer before my sophomore year was when I decided to have sex again and it wasn't with the guy I had been dating for six months. Another guy. Another stranger. At least this time I had known him for a couple of weeks before I invited him over. He left as soon as it was over. He stopped taking my phone calls. I never talked to him again. It hurt a lot more than I wanted it to, but, once again, how can I cry over the repercussions of a decision that I had consciously made?
After that, I decided that the next time I had sex it was going to be with someone I could see myself in a relationship with, that I could possibly date.
The next guy was way out of my league, but that didn't stop me from trying after he showed some interest. We hung out a couple of times and had a blast. He wasn't a stranger. I remember what he looks like and I can tell you his last name. I fell for the line, "It's wrestling season and I can't really have a girlfriend during the season." To me, it was a silent promise that he saw me as his girlfriend in the future. I was fine with that, so when it came down to it, I went ahead and had sex with him. It happened a few times, then I had to make excuses to my friends about why he was blowing me off and not returning my calls. I think that one hurt a lot more than the other two.
My husband and I started dating shortly after all of that happened. After each relationship, after every bad decision, he had been there to help pick up the pieces. He was the only guy I have ever had sex with that I loved and that I knew loved me. I wouldn't trade that for anything.
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Comments (16)
We can never undo the decisions that we make. However, we can learn from them. That's what is important. Kudos to you for that!
BTW, if you're interested, there's a good book called "Divorce Poison" that may be able to help you deal with any unresolved issues in regards to your biological father. It's a good book for anyone who has dealth with a parent (as a child or the other parent) who has walked out or made attempts to defame the parent in question.
@grim_truth - Thank you! And that book definitely sounds like something I'd be interested in. I'll have to see if I can order it off Amazon. :)
Our stories are different, but I totally understand you with having sex with guys who .. well turned out to be dicks afterwards. I've only had sex with one person who I loved.
@jennylovve - I think a lot of people can relate in some way. Everyone has their own story to tell. :) I think having sex with someone you love and genuinely care about makes the whole thing so much better.
*sigh* I wish you had a better experience with it but I'm happy for you and your love because you found each other. Looking for love in sex is a very common thing during youth, I'm glad you were able to overcome all the hurt and be happy now, even if you miss him so much *hug*
@xXxlovelylollipop - Thank you. I wish I could have made better decisions, too, but past decisions make us who we are today.
Daddy issues cause a lot of problems. :/ My dad died when I was 9, so while the situations are a little different I can understand the constant questions like "why me?". I thought I did something wrong and god took my dad away from me, for the longest time.
I also struggled with being a bit of an attention whore with guys. I had a serious relationship from my freshman to junior year of high school, but that didn't stop me from having 5 or 6 different guys chasing me at once. I eventually met my husband, which set me straight, but I still wish I would have waited to lose my virginity with him.
Why do we as woman crave that manly affection?! I finally have good self-esteem, but I still sometimes find myself falling back into that trap.
I'm glad you've found someone!
@pikachooseyou - Girls and their daddy issues. :/
I was the exact same way. If it were up to me, I'd have waited, too. But you go back and change one thing, the entire outcome is different. You know, the butterfly effect and all that. :)
@AmyDoo - I feel you on that one. I do, too.
I can't say the same for me. I nailed it on the first go. My first kiss, my first "make out session" as you call it, and my first time in bed with a woman all went to the same girl. A girl in which im still MADLY IN LOVE WITH *cough cough* and would never have it any other way. Thats why i married that crazy woman. ^..^ I never dated anyone before her. I knew what i wanted... and i stalked her to get it. haha 3 years of stalking for a life time of happiness and having her there? Worth it BIG TIME
@cosmic_wolf - Sounds like a very lucky girl. :)
@ItsAll_A_LoveWar - She better consider herself to be, cuz i consider myself to be lucky.. despite the previous issues and her way of life before me.
@cosmic_wolf - You're a wonderful husband. :)
Everything happens for a reason, so they say. Have no regrets, for it seems like in the end you have it all.
I am happy that you have found a true love. I am sure that your husband's trusting relationship and love has made you secure in your own worth and self esteem. hugs and love.
@Journal2myself - That was very beautifully put. Thank you.
@ZSA_MD - It definitely has. Thank you so much.