Saturday, 05 May 2012
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Beautiful Disaster
He's beautiful. I've always thought so.
I always wanted to be the one thing he did right in his life. I was just a mistake. Go figure. All because I'm not the same person I was when I was sixteen. People grow up. They change. They try new things. Sometimes, even their feelings change.
Yeah, my feelings changed towards him. They only changed to allow me to love him more. Every day that passed I loved him more.
"Then I guess I made a mistake... Didn't I?"
First, I was hurt.
Hurt doesn't even seem like the right word. I'm pretty sure I just stopped breathing. I would have rather him beat the shit out of me, than call me his mistake.
It makes me feel stupid for all the things I said today and the past few days.
@Doitean and I were talking about tattoos and I told him that the one tattoo I got, I got because of my husband. I also told him that I got it because I wanted to show everyone that he was the love of my life. If things didn't work out between us, every guy I was with would have to see that and know that I had already been with the love of my life.
@BeHappy_Me had a blog about what you would regret if you died tomorrow. I told her, "I think my biggest regret would be not starting a family with the guy that I'm absolutely in love with. If I were going to die tomorrow, I'd like to do it knowing that he's got someone to live for other than me."
I left a comment on @MzSilver 's blog about all the Saturdays. "I really enjoyed reading this. It especially helped since I just had a fight with my husband... It just made me realize that our time shouldn't be wasted fighting with each other, but loving and forgiving each other, which sometimes we have a hard time doing. I'm going to make him come read this when I get to talk to him again. I know he'll enjoy it just as much as I did. :)" I never got the chance to tell him to read it.
Despite his flaws and his faults, I love him anyway. Mine are just too great to be looked over.
"He drowns in his dreams
An exquisite extreme I know
He's as damned as he seems
More heaven than a heart could hold
And if I try to save him
My whole world would cave in
It just ain't right
It just ain't rightOh, and I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful
Or just a beautiful disasterHe's magic and myth
As strong as what I believe
A tragedy with
More damage than a soul should see
And do I try to change him
So hard not to blame him
Hold on tight
Hold on tightOh and I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful
Or just a beautiful disasterI'm longing for love and the logical
But he's only happy hysterical
I'm waiting for some kind of miracle
Waited so long
So longHe's soft to the touch
But frayed at the ends he breaks
He's never enough
But still he's more than I can takeOh, cause I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful
Or just a beautiful disasterHe's beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster"
-Kelly Clarkson
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Comments (8)
"Then I guess I made a mistake... Didn't I?" - You didn't make a mistake, hun. You lead with your heart and that is never ever a mistake, no matter how a relationship turns out. It may seem that way right now, but in time you will understand what I'm talking about.
Yet my mind questions why this sounds so 'final.' I cannot begin to count the number of times I thought/felt it was over only to find out, once everybody had time to cool down, that things could be worked out. Throwing in the towel is not always the answer if you really want something with all your heart. I will keep thoughts and prayers positive and hope that you will be able to work things out. If not, then my prayers will be for you to stand strong and move forward with your life. Warm ((((HUGS)))), my friend. Take care of you.
If you need a shoulder just send me a message.
@MzSilver - He's just never told me all of it was a mistake before. No matter how mad or upset I get, I'd never tell him being with him for so long or marrying him was a mistake. I think that's why it feels so final and hurts as much as it does. I'd really like to work it out and get over it, but how do you get over someone thinking it might not have been worth it after all?
Thank you so much for the advice and the kind words. They really mean a whole lot.
@ItsAll_A_LoveWar - The advice comes from the heart because I've lived it and as much as I would like to say at least one of my relationships worked out, I cannot. Still, I gave each of them my all and when there was no more to give, I was able to move forward.
The answer to your 'how do you' question is within you and within him. It will take opening certain doors that you may not want to open. It will take both of you sitting down and opening yourselves up to each other completely and honestly. It may take more than once. It may take many tears. As much as you would wish the past to stay buried, some times it's peeks its horrible head out and you have to discuss it. The question is "why does he feel that way." "What caused him to say those words to you." Neither of you may want to discuss it. But it's like having an elephant in the room. You can't move forward as long as YOU don't understand the reasons behind it. If you want to keep your relationship together, it might involve counseling.
If you do nothing, you will gain nothing. If you want to fight for it, then do whatever you feel is necessary to find the answers. If, however, he has no wish to be involved in any of it, then you may have your answer without seeking any other.
All of the above are the 'voice of experience' speaking. Believe me, I am no role model that you should follow. I've yet to have a relationship last but I have absolutely no regrets for having tried. I've learned something new from each one of them and perhaps, just perhaps, if I get one last try, I will have learned enough to make this one last me for the rest of whatever time remains for me here. Just my thoughts, hun. Nothing more...
You are not a mistake; a challenge to his sensibilities, maybe, but NOT a mistake. My wife used to ask- "What, am I being too much woman?" She had a way to put everything in perspective.
maybe, youre taking him out of context
i don't believe in mistakes... you are not a mistake... :) you are a blessing, i'm sure :) he still has to realize that on his own :D just keep the love flowing :)
You are not a mistake *hugs*
You are not a mistake. God created you and God never make mistake.